afrojet

Fail to Obey
A little run in with Portland’s finest this weekend. At exactly 00.00 hundred hours the flashy new Skelton Mobile was pulled over on NW Burnside for failing to obey a Traffic Control Device. Apparently, the officer who stopped us is color blind and doesn’t know his yellows from his reds. Everyone in the car agreed that the Traffic Control Device in question was in fact a night time shade of amber and not the halting shade of red he claimed it to be. Of course the officer was a total prick and completely condescending. I believe the officer was a bit irritated that; a) my driving record is a glowing example of a right and proper citizen, b) I was in fact wearing all my clothing, c) the misses did not have a crack pipe hiding on her person, d) the car was not stolen and, e) I was dead sober. He must have felt a bit foolish calling for those three back up cars. Still, I’m glad he issued just a warning for I didn’t want to contemplate having to spend hours building detailed info graphic posters and color wheel charts for my championship court appearance. He really lucked out on that front.

Besides the misses, my cousin Dave was also in the car. We had just wrapped up a nice evening of jazz at Jimmy Mak’s. After the incident cousin Dave asked, “When was the last time you got pulled over by the police?” I thought about it for a minute and then remembered that the last time I got pulled over it was for speeding and I was driving from New Ulm to the Twin Cities AND COUSIN DAVE WAS IN THE CAR! Hmmm…coincidence? I don’t think so. Attention family: avoid getting behind the wheel when Cousin Dave is present. He is a cop magnet. Give him a bus token or make him walk.

Bonus: Bob Sawley, (an old bastard).

The Madcap Adventures of Danny Ho

A few weeks ago a gentleman named Danny Ho (name changed to protect the innocent) showed up at my door. Although quite young in years, Danny Ho is a throwback to a time when June Cleaver housewives bought vacuum cleaners from guys like Willie Lowman. Danny Ho is a door-to-door salesman. And although his selling approach is very old school, his tactics and products are very much 2005. Danny works for Edward Johnson (name changed) and he wants to be your next Financial Service Advisor.

I first saw Danny Ho when he showed up at my door on a Saturday afternoon. The weather was abysmal. It was cold and windy and the rain was coming off the top of the hill in horizontal sheets. No one had any business being outside that day. But there was Danny Ho, dressed like an Oscar nominee in a slick black suit and sporting a youthful but conservative tie. He hadn’t bothered wearing a rain coat and seemed puzzled by the idea of an umbrella. Even though I didn’t invite him in out of the rain, our conversation was pleasant and cordial. A new Edward Johnson had opened up in nearby Multnomah Village and he was just out canvassing the neighborhood, “getting to know the community”. It was a very ‘soft sell’ – just a conversation really. In the end he gave me his business card and trudged off into the gale force winds. His neck tie was wrapped around his neck, waving back at me as he went to call on my neighbor.

Now I don’t know how smart it is to invest money with a guy that doesn’t bother with a rain coat on heavy weather days. I’m sure it was some kind of conscious wardrobe pity move on his part, but if you can’t protect yourself Danny, how are you going to protect my money?

I can’t question his dedication tho. On no less then four occasions, I’ve seen Danny Ho, in that same black suit walking the beat of the Southwest hills. I give him mad props for his tireless work ethic. ‘Danny Ho’ has even become somewhat of a household mantra here at The Ranch. Like, “I Danny Ho’d the dishes last night” or “I just Danny Ho’d all the leaves in the back yard”.

God bless you Danny Ho. Good luck on the streets today. Enjoy the sunshine.

The Cornbread Corner
Current favorites: Baking and eating corn bread, reading the beautifully designed The School of Fencing, enjoying the beauty of stark Black and White Paintings and the saturated color of Hanna Werning’s Animal Flower Wallpapers. Also, enjoying the photo, Woman on Swing by William Eggleston, and (last but not least) the pheasants that have taken up home on Alfred Street.

Current not-so-favorite: the ever increasing length and general bulkiness of receipts. Why, if I buy one item from the Home Depot does the receipt need to be three and a half feet long?

Isetta Karavan
Wow. Two posts in a row about cars. While that might be a first for me, I can’t help the fact that I find the BMW Isetta to be one of the silliest and coolest little cars I’ve ever come across. Those Germans were on to something with this vehicle. I think they need to bring this one back for 2007. The best feature of the car is that the entire front of the car opens up to let the driver and passenger in. Cary Grant illustrates this feature with tremendous class in this posh photo. You can see and read more about the Isetta at the Microcar Museum. While your at the museum don’t miss this great 8mm film about the Peel Trident, another forgotten card. The Peel Trident had three wheels and a bubble top. Watch how the people get in and out of the car. Also, build your own Isetta from a cut out.

Not-So-Standard
Here, in the quite Sunset community where the Skelton Ranch is allowed to stretch out, relax, and ready itself for the rainy season, a peculiar phoneme is taking place. It seems that our newly purchased car, the 2006 VW Passat, is turning out to be way more of a celebrity than the humans that drive the darn thing. It’s as if the Skelton family is living in its own meta-VW car commercial where the neighbors come out of their homes to talk to our car instead of us. It begs the question: is it possible for car owners to become jealous of their vehicle’s popularity? If we were ever to move away, I fear people would say, “I remember the car who lived in that house – the people, not so much.” Personally, I can’t compete with the feature set of my new ride. It’s got 120 of ’em and each one has a quirky and irreverent film to show it off. I can only think of like…11 features that I have and the misses would probably call half of those ‘personality defects’. But 120?!? That ain’t right.

Although I really do like this car a lot, i’ve really never been much of a ‘car guy’. I’m just thankful if a car runs. I don’t ‘notice’ cars. All my neighbors could bring home new cars tomorrow and I wouldn’t have the slightest idea that the auto-landscape had changed one cylinder. Perhaps this means I’m self-absorbed. Maybe…Maybe Not. But many of my neighbors, who until last week hadn’t even bothered to give a friendly wave or the customary head-nod when the eye-contact of opportunity presented itself, now fall over each other for the chance to flirt with my car. If I had a nickel for every one who’s said, “So…new car?”, I’d have enough to buy expensive wool socks. Really, anytime I see someone coming up the driveway to say hello I look for a fast exit or a large bush to hide behind. I do this because these people (all men), want to talk about the car. Specifically, they want me to be able to go through the entire feature list of the car and answer all these questions about engine size and gas milage that, for reasons I can’t explain, my brain has deemed totally useless and straight up refuses to retain. In a pinch, I usually tell them how good the stereo sounds and invite them into the passenger seat to see how much they enjoy listening to high decibel Slayer on a ‘DynaAudio 600 Watt -10 Speaker Sound System’.

Ranch Pumpkins
Our pumpkins had a serious problem with tooth decay. No doubt this was brought on by swallowing up way too many left over kit kat bars. Once again, as happens every year, I completely overestimated the numbers off boogieman bambinos that would parade across our entry. I am left still holding a kings ransom worth of nougat and jellies.

Best ad hoc pumpkin carving device pulled from the recesses of our kitchen cabinets: a crumber. The original purchase of this crumber probably goes down in the books as one of the worst and most pretentious impulse buys of my adult life. There is absolutely no good reason that anyone (with the possible exception of slick waiters in five-star restaurants) should ever own this item. However, in a sculpting pinch, it does indeed make for a useful pumpkin punch and rounding tool.

Afrojet Costume Contest Winners
For my costume this year I went dressed as a photographer for Citysearch, which turned out to be, not just a pretty easy costume to wear but a fairly convincing one as well. Folks lined up for the chance to win the City Search’s ‘Best Halloween Costume in Portland’. Unfortunately, those folks will have to live with just a bit smaller scale celebrity status. Afrojet enjoys celebrating the ‘trick’ aspect of Halloween just as much as the ‘treat.

For me, the hands down winner goes to the genius execution behind ‘Team Zissou’. The attention to detail here was so good that there had to be speculation that these folks might have actually worked on the movie set. I was also impressed by the fact that an actual team was put together and it wasn’t just a solo Steve Zissou mission.

The ‘axe girl’ & ‘doom jesus’ costumes get the honorable mention. ‘Axe girl’ gets huge props in my book for those spooky eyes and for being one of the few women of the night not sporting some kind of ‘________ slut’ costume. I was a bit disappointed in the ladies this weekend as a good majority of the costumes fell into the ‘what kind of stripper are you’ motif (see: nurse stripper, cop stripper, pregnant britney spears stripper, devil stripper, dead stripper, etc, etc.).

Also note: the real axe that ‘Axe Girl’ is carrying. The security at the show didn’t even hesitate to let her in with it. You gotta love that.

It’s A Catastrphe
Another weighty telephone directory showed up as a blight on my lawn yesterday. Before I take it down to the garage and feed it to the chop saw, I thought I’d share with you, all the fine business establishments here in Portland that have chosen a name that really takes control of the moment and lets you know what ‘it’ really is. If you’d like to be challenged by this list, think of them all as snappy little quotes and then try and match each one to a character on The Simpsons who might say that line (example: ‘It’s Party Time/Disco Stu)

It’s A Beautiful Pizza
It’s A Dogs Life Day/Playcare
It’s About Hair
It’s About Time Jewelry and Clock Service
It’s All About Service
It’s All Arranged
It’s All Good
It’s Fran’s Vintage Advantage
It’s Just Lunch
It’s Me!
It’s My Pleasure
It’s Party Time
It’s Your Logo Inc

Update: After my “It’s” post the ‘House of Leach’ shoots me an email and responds with his favorite list. Comments in parentheses are his own. To wit,

“I decided to check up on MY favorite business naming cliche “The House of…” Here is an edited list from the first directory on our stack: Minneapolis 2000-2001:”

House of Balls (the first listing…seriously!)
House of Cinemagraphics (I wouldn’t expect any real original work)
House Of Dreams
House of Fades (in case H.O.C. is booked?)
House of Hui’s
House of Iron (take that, Mr. Wolf)
House of Java
House of Kai
House Of Liang
House of May Nin
House of Ming (these last four were consecutive listings; the owners must thing it’s really an ‘American’ thing)
skip one…next: House of Moy
House of Note
House of Oak (more trouble for the wolf)
House of Rental (Not For Sale)
House of Vacuumns (hang onto your hat when entering)
House of Wu (!)
As I review the list, I realize that one of my favorites is missing! There was once a very funky ‘House of Breakfast’ in S, Mpls.

Hell-O-Ween
There is something about the late October air, the quickening onset of the darkness, the slow, amber laced death of my Japanese Maple tree, and the approaching witching hour of Halloween, that has turned all my attentions to the sonic appreciation of Metal. The more horrifying the better. Luckily all this will come to a head this weekend in the form of a hallows evening spent in the brain dripping squeeze of a Sunn 0))) & Boris show. We will wear hooded cloaks and sample absinthe lollipops and hallucinogenic infused Butterfingers!

The brilliant poster for the the Sunn 0))) & Boris West Coast Tour was designed by the impossibly brilliant Aaron Horkley and printed by the affable Burlesque. Hopefully they wont be sold out of the posters by the time they get to Portland. Burlesque created a fine little video of the poster’s printing process. And here is a sketch with notes.

Also, check out some vintage halloween cards: here, here, and here.

And Vice has the First And Maybe Last Annual Vice Halloween Costume Contest.

The Buccaneers of Elliot Bay
Another great trip up to Seattle this past weekend. Partied with Brother J and the rest of the Wages of Sin at their historic record release party. Sea-shanties have never sounded so good. The gig was at the Jules Maes, Seattle’s oldest bar (founded in 1888).

We began the evening warming up for the gig back at Brother J’s house, drinking Budweiser on the front porch. For reason’s I can’t explain the neighbors play host to a flock of pigeons that live in the eaves underneath their roof. At one point we were in the front yard examining some items in the driveway, when, out of nowhere the entire flock of birds launched out of the eaves and immediately dive bombed our party. In the first half second, I was in awe watching this storm of birds (approx 25) fly out of this small hole, then awe turned to horror as I realized they were coming down on us. I was able to crouch and turn my back at the last moment before I felt one of them slam into my left shoulder and another graze my ear. Then in mass they headed up and disappeared into the sky. It was a terrifying Hitchcockian moment. I was told this was the first time they had ever done that before. Fuck pigeons. They are nothing more than rats with wings. Next time I’m up there there’s going to be Ted Nugent styled retribution for that unprovoked assault.

The best Metal band in the land, Early Man‘s new record ‘Closing In‘ is out. Check out part one of this promo video they did where they bought sponsorship on a demolition derby car that was auctioned on eBay. Also more bands should put out promo album medley’s like this one. But then not every band can bring the riffage explosions that Early Man can.