A Story of Patriotism

The misses and I sat down to dinner last night (I made vegan BBQ tofu!). While devouring the tofu love, I noticed that Gabby The Cat was sitting in the window with a very quizzical look on her face. All throughout the meal she looked slightly odd. Towards the end of the meal, I asked Kelly to look at the cats food dishes and see if they had any food (the cat dishes are in the corner behind her chair). She glanced down, and then simultaneously dropped her fork and shrieked loud enough to send Gabby running from the kitchen.

The wild scene which ensued nearly beggars description. In the next few moments I discovered that the cat’s food bowls had become a Feed-Lot for ants. The bowls were clearly overrun, taking on a mirage like quality as the ants moved in waves over the pottery. An ant super-highway led from the screen door to the cat bowls; a wide and dense populated trail of ants moved with speed.

“They must be stopped”, I bellowed as I dashed off to retrieve the vacuum from the hall closet. Armed with suction, I quickly entered the fray stabbing my vacuum hose wildly like a daft bucuneer. I sucked up hundreds of ants. The misses, having recovered from her initial shock was busy at the sink preparing a mixture of chemicals and water. Soon, the cat bowls were removed and the floor was being chemically scrubbed.

Completing my vacuum duties I opened the screen door to the kitchen patio. I needed to track down how and where these little buggers were getting into the house. A thorough search of the perimeter revealed little. A few ants here and there but nothing that could have led to the scene inside. I was baffled.

Several minutes passed and I knew I had failed to find the source that led to ‘The Great Ant Attack of 06’. I turned toward other matters – getting the trash and recycling ready for today’s trash pick up. It just so happens that we keep a recycling bin outside on the kitchen patio so that we don’t have to go very far when tossing out recyclables. I picked up the plastic yellow tub filled with cans and bottles. What caught my eye underneath the recycling tub was so horrific and terrifying that I became paralyzed save for my hands which had involuntarily dropped the recycling tub. Thousands! Tens of thousands of little brown ants were having an orgy over whatever sauces and jellies had formed underneath the recycling bin.

I tapped the glass of the patio door. The misses walked slowly across the kitchen to door. Without saying anything, I pointed down at the orgy. Her face became pained with disgust and fright. She shook her head. A head shake that seemed to mean, “how could we have let this happen?”.

I too could not believe it. Only moments ago I was taking delight in my vegan dinner. Now, I was planning an epic animal massacre. My hypocrisy blazes like a scarlet letter.

I must tell you tho, as I began to unravel the garden hose and bring it ’round to the side of the house, there was no inner moral battle taking place. There were no pangs of guilt in my stomach. I knew what I had to do, and with the nozzle attachment fitting set to ‘JET’, – I drowned them all.