Buy It Broken
Survived a wallop of a heat wave that recently blazed a path through town, scorching lawns and boiling sidewalks for three straight days. With temperatures hovering at 100 degrees, the town was in a panic. The neighbors to the South and to the West both broke out massive lawn pools and filled ’em up with toddlers and tadpoles from all the neighboring villages. Sitting at my desk yesterday, I was caught between the vocal volleys of all these wet chickens. One little moppet, who I have given the name ‘The Repeater’, latches onto a specific phrase or word and becomes his own echo chamber symphony, complete with a never-ending coda. But fuck, the Repeater is nothing compared to his friends who just scream all day. All. Day.

It’s funny. I wonder, at what point (age) do we learn in our development that screaming (even if short squeals of joy) is slightly irritating to other people within earshot? How do we learn this?

I think I want to do an experiment where I scream with Kids.

Now, before you call Child Protection Services on me, let me explain. I don’t mean to scream at kids. I want to use the same high pitched vocalizations and squeals to celebrate any minor victory (getting the BBQ to light!) just like a child. What I want to know is, do kids think it strange if an adult is squealing (even if not in anger)? My hypothesis to this experiment would be; an adult who suddenly begins to squeal happily in the presence of children (for whom this is their native tongue) would stop short and react with equal parts confusion and fear. Discuss amongst yourselves. Let me know if you have any insights.

Last night I went to Old Navy to buy some new pocket t-shirts because mine have become old and frayed with many holes where there shouldn’t be holes. Turns out that the fashion du jour in pocket t-shirts is old and frayed with holes where there shouldn’t be holes. Sweet! I walked right back out the store happy in the knowledge that I am ahead of the fashion world in my own laziness and shoddy wardrobe. The fact that places like Old Navy have convinced a nation of kids that “planned obsolesce” is the new black, has to be counted as one of the single greatest maneuvers of Capitalism ever.