afrojet

Slice & Dice
Finally, normalcy has returned to The Ranch. The car is back from the shop looking and (more importantly) smelling like its old self. And I got a hair cut.

When first I crashed the new German car, I made the offhand comment that the body shop was going to have to order parts from Germany. Regrettably, that prophecy turned out to be true. Not only that, but I am told the 2006 model was redesigned and built new from the ground up. Although this is the kind of talk that pushes all the right buttons when you’re buying the car, it’s really not what you want to hear when it comes to fixing your ‘unique’ car. No parts can be cannibalized from older models, which means Dolph and Otto back at the VW plant in Wolfsburg need to make brand new ones for you (you did a great job guys – thanks!).

Now, about my hair…(aren’t blogs great?). It had been about three months since my last follicle chop and I was beginning to be mistaken for an actual Portlander with a proper mop of ‘Portland Hair’. But I’m just not comfortable in that skin yet, so I had to trim down.

My barber was visibly distressed about cutting my hair. She couldn’t understand why someone would want to cut such a beautiful unkept mop. After her first go round with the scissors, I had to demand, “no, shorter!”. To agitate matters worse, all four of the hair choppers on duty seemed to actively hate one another. I found out shortly that this was due to them all having very different tastes in music, which resulted in a lot of cattiness surrounding whatever current CD was being broadcasted in the joint. My barber listens to two kinds of music: the Iggy Pop kind and the Danzig kind. When not extolling the virtues of these musical men, she spent most of her time colorfully explaining what the other hair choppers listened to and why those selections made them incredibly horrible people. She even confessed to both stealing and breaking other people’s CD’s! Cinderella is her least favorite band of all time. Thankfully she did not ask what I listen to, as I have no idea how I would have answered that question, what with all those razors and scissors at her disposal. My barber has an affinity for the phrase ‘Slice and Dice’, as in, “If she puts on that Cinderella CD…boy, we are going to have to slice and dice“. If you heard that phrase enough times while strapped to the barber chair you too would acquiesce and agree with all earnestness that, “Yes, Danzig’s ‘Mother’ is, without question, the best song ever written”.

Rolling On Your Weak Production
With my last post about the Portland Auto Show, I forgot to throw up this image of the misses getting mobbed by the Car Paparazzi. Seems to happen wherever she goes.

Other Randomness:

The Skeltons are currently in the market for a swank credenza. If you got a good lead on one, let us know. Here is our dream credenza.

FUFI FUFI – “a converted ice cream truck which
will be driving around selling art from local and internationally known
artists, during the four day Art Basel Miami Beach event in December.” I like this idea. They should have one here for First Thursdays. It’s like the old Jamaican DJ’s bringing their music on the road through Sound Systems. They also have a great slogan written on the front of the truck: “Rolling On Your Weak Production”

The Hurricane Poster Project – A collaborative effort of the design community to raise money for the victims of Hurricane Katrina (via Design Observer).

An interesting Portland Blog, Portland Peace, pointed me to this Tryon Farm Commune web site, where you can see pictures of their little Hobbit like homes.

A really good roundup of Open Source Software for Mac OS X.

One of my cats has the most awful morning breath today.

Dr. Seuss Stencils.

Cool retro decor museum at Plan 59. Featuring Wood is so good to live with.

Tonka Toys and Toyota
This weekend’s most entertaining purchase came from the used book stacks at Powells Books. It’s a book called Tonka. I bought it mostly for the images of all the old Tonka Toys, but when I started reading it I found that it was much more than just a picture book. The authors (one of whom is an old vice-president of the company), tell a compelling story about a small toy manufacturer from Mounds Minnesota. The book has interesting profiles of Tonka employees and gives a detailed history of the company before manufacturing was moved from Lake Minnetonka to El Paso. The company was bought in 1991 by Hasbro and although the Tonka brand still brings in millions a year, most of the manufacturing now takes place in China. I grabbed the above photo from this great collection. More Tonka here, and here.

On a somewhat related note (from toys to the real thing), the misses and I went to the Portland Auto Show this weekend. Meh. I think Sandra Bullock’s husband Jesse James put it best. When talking about the Ford Motor Company in this Sunday’s New York Times, he said:

“Look underneath a Mercedes or an Audi. It’s all stainless steel and aluminum, built to last. I don’t think we build stuff to last. In 1998, I bought an El Dorado. At 30,000 miles, it started to fall apart.

Detroit forgot the groundwork of Henry Ford: to make a car that anyone could buy. And to and make it nice and a pioneer in technology. I’m working on a hydrogen-powered car. Ford even has a motor I could have used, but they didn’t see a value in the project. But the Europeans are doing research on this, and the Japanese are, too.

Society’s changing. Look, I’m a biker with tattoos, but I drive a Mercedes Smart Car and I would drive a hydrogen-powered one.””

It was kinda sad really. Of course, the Toyota section was happening and the new 2007 Camry Hybrids and the retro styled FJ cruiser look nice, but the Ford and Dodge sections of the show were ghost towns. They really had nothing to compete against the foreign models. Dodge’s new 2007 Charger looks like it was designed for a demographic of foolish David Hasselhoff impersonators. Just awful.

For some reason the new Lexus Hybrid was on a “look but don’t touch” platform which was disappointing. It was also disappointing to see it’s fuel economy was only 18/25 (city/highway). I believe, in the 2007, you got to bring better than 18/25. Especially for a hybrid! Shit, even the new janky looking Mazdas sedans get 28/35.

The car my ass felt the most pampered in: Porsche Carrera GT.

The vehicle that hates tall people: The New Jeep Wrangler. Not designed for anyone over six feet tall.

Car with the most Dungeons & Dragons players lurking about: The Scion xB

The car I desire the most: my 2006 Passat. Yes, it’s STILL IN THE GOD DAMN SHOP!!

Nothing In This Post Has Been Embellished
Yesterday, sitting on my comfy couch, feet up on the ottoman, I was busy watching the drama unfold on Oprah – popping jelly beans and drinking a Ginger Ale. Meanwhile, somewhere in this great city the misses was toiling away at work. Doesn’t seem right, does it? “Oh well”, I thought as I plunged my face into a salad bowl filled with pure Columbian crank.

The Empty Halls of Retail
Was there some major television event last night at around 7pm that I don’t know about, cause the retail isles of our local Target Store were frighteningly deserted. Normally, I wouldn’t complain about not having to jockey my red cart racer through the the hordes of people desperate for a Diet Mountain Dew resupply, but last night, the store was so vacant of humans it was unsettling. Also, I noticed right away that there wasn’t any musak being played over the PA. No whitewashed Billy Joel to subliminally guide me towards the tool section. Is this something I’ve never picked up on before or does Target usually have some kind of musak playing? I think they do.

Even more than friends and families, we expect our big box retailers to be consistent in every detail. We expect there to be throngs of people that we must crawl over to grab one of the last (of 400) Mizrahi Denim Tablecloths (wtf?). And we expect to have some pleasant pop music cascading through the aisles when we’re gettin’ aggro’ for linens. And when there’s some hiccup in the system and these pieces aren’t in play…well, dammit that’s when people get scared?

Fortunately, the misses and I took matters into our own hands. We quickly located the aisle of music instruments (since when did target start carrying drum kits?), and revved up two of those Casioesque type synthesizers. The misses was in the mood for a samba so she selected rhythm 78 and turned it up real loud. I chose ‘Harpsichord’ on my machine and soon we were locked into a power jam. Unfortunately the instruments were bolted down so we weren’t able to take our jams on the road. But our micro jam served its purpose. I was back on level ground and soon began making all kinds of debatable purchases, like the brigade of type-stickers pictured above.

Dear Internet
I think I am developing a crush on Miss Jane Marple (as portrayed by Joan Hickson). That saucy spinster makes me a bit light in the head and weak in the knees whenever she’s out sleuthing. Please don’t tell the misses.

Adjusting to the Weather
It looks like we picked a hell of a year to move to the Pacific Northwest. We’ve had record amounts of rain here in Portland this winter and when I’m not busy pushing pixels I’m in the workshop building my Ark. We are in the thick of it now and the January skies have been dark and unbroken. So far though, it hasn’t bothered us any or slowed us down. No Prozak pills have been ordered and no one broods around the house despondent or sullen. The one change I have noticed is that I’m taking less pictures. I think I tend to like to take snaps when there is an abundance of natural light or rather I see things I want to take pictures of when sunlight plays with objects. So while the sun stays hidden so does the camera. Poop.

The other major adjustment comes from the wardrobe department. The misses and I have got closets full of jackets, boots and mittens, ready to take on -20 degree temperatures, but we own precious little in the way of breathable warm weather rain gear or boots ready to take on muddy trails. The last few weekends we’ve gone on some comical hikes. Veteran Portlanders, decked out in full traction footwear and removable layers rock past us and laugh as we struggle to hold our footing and clumsily lurch forward, trying to find a small tree to support us. The time has come to make some tactical wardrobe investments. Look for all my winter coats to be on Craigslist by the end of the day.

Also, a special shout out and congratulations to Joey and Mackenzie on the birth of their son Coleson. Damn, he’s a cute one.

Electric Miles
Miles Davis The Cellar Door Sessions 1970 Box Set. I simply must have this! A whole days worth of critical Miles listening all wrapped up in a beautiful package. Playing with John Mclaughlin and Airto Moreira, this has to be one of the best bands assembled in the 20th Century. I watched an electric Miles bootleg DVD the other day, and was struck by the man’s focus and generosity. He gave so much room for others to play their brains out. He deserves some kind of National holiday.

Must Love Dogs
More exciting adventures with wandering wayward pups this weekend. The dog gods are trying to tell us something. This time it was a 10-month-old Beagle that adopted us for an afternoon. This little lightning bolt of a dog bolted through our gate as we were cleaning the back yard of more downed tree limbs. She circled the yard like a midget race car and made all the moves to try and impress. The neighbors came out and asked us about our “new dog”. They were disappointed to learn we didn’t know where she came from. A quick survey of other folks in the neighborhood revealed little about the puppy. The case was afoot. We borrowed some dog supplies from the neighbors and walked the pooch around the hood hoping someone would recognize the little devil. No luck and no leads. We took the dog back to our place and put her in the garage where she immediately started to howl like a good little beagle. The cats were terrified. We called the City Pound but they were closed. This was not good as we were in no position to host the dog for the evening. We had a house guest coming that evening and we didn’t think they would appreciate the midnight howling. And I was sure the cats would never speak to us again. We decided to take the Beagle to the emergency animal hospital to see if it was caring an identification chip. Unfortunately they didn’t find one on the dog. No chip and no colar. Boy, someone really loves this dog. Luckily an extremely nice couple was at the hospital with an enormous Mastiff. They jumped at the chance to take the Beagle and hold it until the owner was found, and if it wasn’t claimed they would give it a lovely home. We felt really good about that and left the Beagle in their care. The combination huge Mastiff and puppy Beagle was hilarious. The Mastiff could have fit the Beagle’s entire head in its mouth.

The next morning we put up some ‘Found Dog’ flyers in the neighborhood. About half an hour later a women appeared at our door looking for her dog named ‘Daisy’. Case closed and Daisy is now back in her proper home. They live about three blocks away. I admit to being a bit angry with this women. She appeared rather haggard at our door as she explained that she and her husband were at respective Bachelorette and Bachelor parties the day before. If I see Daisy again running around without a collar there is going to be hell to pay. Hell to pay I tell ya.

Let There By A Duel
If ever there were grounds to see a proper modern day duel between worthy protagonists, I can think of no better opportunity than this James Frey versus The Smoking Gun scandal. Hot damn. We’ve got a full blown literary scandal on our hands here folks. Even the major television news programs have replaced their endless stories about the Sabo mines and Lindsey Lohan with a controversy regarding a book! Man, that’s so 18th century. I love it. If I could wish for just one thing in 2006 it would be for MORE LITERARY SCANDALS.

Now, the only thing that’s missing from this scandal is a good olde fashion duel at dawn. Back in the day, when someone called ‘bullshit’ on you in print you didn’t appear on Larry King (with your mom!) to clear your name and beseech your enemies. Nah uh. You got busy with pistols, rapiers or foils. I think this is the only way we can really get closure on this controversy.

I propose that James Frey and a representative from The Smoking Gun put it all on the line. I think the duel should be a public one, fought in some mammoth stadium, like the ones used for that game they play in those Harry Potter books. The James Frey crowd should be wearing turquoise t-shirts with ‘Go Jimmy’ printed in boldface. The Smoking Gun crowd shall be clad in Orange shirts with a Maroon block print of, what else, a smoking gun. And the duel should be an up close and personal kind of affair, so I recommend short swords or daggers. Vegas would go nuts. My money would be on Frey, especially if Oprah was his Second.