Sleeping John Menaces Mate
The news headlines take on a very ominous tone when you have a Hurricane named after you. The AP wire slings adjectives that I don’t normally associate with my character. To wit:

“John menaced Mexican tourist resorts on Wednesday”,

“John is intensifying rapidly”,

“John is expected to pound Acapulco”,

“John grew into a powerful cyclone”.

Lies. Utter lies. If the journalists actually bothered to interview me, they would learn that their inflammatory statements are erroneous and besmirch my good name. I demand a duel with rapiers in the garden!

In fact, my condition is just the opposite. A sudden Northwest cold front and the crushing defeat of the Packers on a televised national stage has left me run down and suffering from a slight head cold. Not unlike my swirling brother who looms with danger off the coast of Mexico, my condition has taken its toll on innocent parties in my household. Seems my stuffy head causes me to snore during sleepy time. Snoring is an inexcusable offense in this household. Sleep cycles are not to be interrupted by Wookie laughter. Thus, for the last two nights I have put forth a routine of self-imposed quarantine in the guest bedroom, where I am free to saw logs at top volume without disturbing the sanctity of home.

Two from the Onion: Résumé Font Offends Employer, Murderous Cat.

Also, Helvetica numeral wall panels would be great for a kids room.