Just Say No
Oh boy. Minus 25 degree wind chill outside this morning but no real snow to speak of. This is fucked up. If it’s going to be this goddamn cold out, well then there better be some snow because people around here take their ‘White Christmas’ very seriously and it’s hard to get swept up in the romantic nostalgia of Christmas when you look outside and all you see is your dead brown lawn and frozen squirrels dropping lifeless from the skeletal branches of your backyard apple tree. Come on. Indiana’s got like 25 inches of the fluffy white stuff, even New Mexico has snow – but we got shit. We’re Minnesota for christsakes! I got my gear and my shovel in hand, now put me to work moving S.N.O.W.
Yesterday, I secured the remaining bounty that will be handed out over the next couple of days. On these frigid mornings, I give high praise to the online e-tailers and the inventor of the indoor mall. God bless you. Next year however, I will be making a t-shirt that says, “I am not interested in any of your up-selling, so please don’t even ask.” Or just a little 5 by 7 hand card that simply says ‘No!’, which I can flash at will.
Can I help you find something sir? No!
Are you interested in a pair of sox with that? No!
You qualify for a free magazine subscription. No!
Would you like to sign up for our rewards bonus card that gives you an additional 15% off a whole bunch of garbage you really don’t need but because you invested now in this card you will be compelled to buy in the future? No!
What really pisses me off is when I’m greeted at the check out line by the phrase, “Just this for you today?”. What? I’ve got like five items here totaling $150 bucks. That’s not enough? What do you people want from me? Blood? Charity? You can’t have it.
Everything that comes out of the retail workers mouth is delivered in this tired scripted language that makes them all sound like broken repeating robots. For some fun, try interjecting a line that’s not on the holiday shopping script, something like, “Where does this green bus deliver the oatmeal pancakes? I hear they’re quite tasty.” Bam! You can watch there tiny brains explode right before your eyes. Careful though, because as soon as you paralyze one of the checkout people, you will incur the wrath of all the other shoppers for gumming up the machinery. Things can turn ugly fast.
One thing I’m actually enjoying this holiday season is rediscovering old mix tapes from high school and college. Especially anything with Anthrax (the band not the poison) on it. The iPod is abandoned for old black Maxell tapes that are dirty and crusted with cola stains and other deposits accumulated from being kicked around on the bottom of some past vehicle’s floor. What I really want for Christmas is my old yellow Sony ‘Sports’ Walkman, before I accidentally took it camping and placed it in a backpack with an unsecured bottle of 100% DEET mosquito repellant. When I removed it from the pack there was nothing left but a melted and disfigured hunk of plastic.
Currently my favorite Christmas song is ‘Xmas for the Skins’ by Crucial Youth.