Regan Youth
A friend of mine has taken the summer off, loaded his car up with boxes and boxes of Wheat Thins, CD racks full of gangster rap, and a full library of books on tape all read by Ali G. Respek. You haven’t lived till you’ve heard Moby Dick read in a heavy Barkshire accent.

The Document that he’s preparing to unleash at the end of this journey is called Battleground Minnesota. It’s been described to me as a documentary on the Minnesota political landscape. But that’s just too polite.

My man was popping fresh this week when he returned from Dfuluth, where the President had touched down briefly to flaunt his newest rollbacks on logging. Somehow this was supposed to impress the god-fearing folk in Duluth?!? He called me up and told me he was going out to Fridley Minnesota to cover a College Republicans BBQ and he didn’t have a camera man. Could I stand in? It was a beautiful late afternoon and I was feeling hungry. A BBQ, especially if they had potato salad, sounded like a good time. I figured I could scam a lot of free beer too. If I remember back to my college days, those young Republicans get pretty loose with their booze.

As we drove up to Fridley stuffing our faces with Wheat Thins and jamming our ear-holes with old N.W.A. jams, I watched some of the Duluth footage that was captured of the leftist protesters. Immediately, I was struck by the utter stupidity of these folks. Completely inarticulate. Totally self-absorbed with their own radical journey. Not handling their drugs well. A disgrace to the cause. Listen up young people of Duluth…Pull your head out your bong for a second and deliver a clear and concise argument backed up by facts. Please.

Another thing that struck me about the leftist footage was just how damn ugly they all were. Not a healthy looking one in the bunch.

So, yeah right. We pull up on this BBQ. There’s about 20 of ’em, frolicking about – playing frisbee and tossing pill in the park. We are in the throws of introductions and trust building, when, I’m completely overcome by the beauty of everyone there. It was like a BBQ for beautiful people. And yes everyone was painfully nice, polite, and genuine too. Food was offered. Turns out this was a no booze event. The reason being that Laura Bush was going to be on conference call later and they all wanted to remain sharp for that. I drank a Coke in the fading sun of the late afternoon.

As we got set up with our gear some high school kids introduced themselves as members of TARS (Teenage Republicans). They wanted to know the name of the movie, when it was going to be on TV, etc, etc. When we told them they got all kinds of excited and wanted to be the first to be interviewed. My man said that sounded good. I was skeptical because of their youth and their somewhat ditzy manner. They looked like they had just walked off the set of the movie “Clueless”. I didn’t think we’d get much out of them besides Britney Spears jokes and shopping tips.

So it’s three high school girls and they are set up in front of these wonderful pink flowers that I have attached a BUSH/CHENEY ’04 yard sign to. Here’s where shit gets weird. They introduce themselves as “Christians and therefore Republicans” and then proceed to take us to school. They covered everything. They started with the bible and the decay of rules in society. They took us back and gave a history lesson on the Romans and our founding fathers. They deconstructed the stem cell research a the University of Minnesota, they dissected both the national and local tax plans. They were on top of their shit. They were polite and did not interrupt each other, only using what another one had said to build up an argument further. They were a well oiled machine. Intensely articulate. Even as I sat there in disagreement with almost every word that came out their mouths, I was beaming that there existed these humans that were bright and mercilessly devoted to their beliefs, however strange and wicked they were. The clincher came when they all started in about how much they luv watching CSPAN. I was like “uh huh, riiiiiiight.” But it was no joke. They had all watched the gay marriage ban proceeding the day before, calling each other on the two-way to rip apart a Democrat when they spoke; lauding over Bill Frisk like he was some kind of rock star. It was seriously odd. At the end of the interview, more politeness and then massive giggling as they all contemplated the thought of being on TV. When they ran off to go play capture the flag, my man and I both looked at each other. Speechless. What alternate universe had we stepped into? Had we just been seduced by some kind of diablo de republico? This cocktail of equal parts naive hate and beautiful hope that I was presented with was completely undrinkable.

The rest of the interviews went by pretty much the same. The next one more articulate and versed on Minnesota politics then the next. There was a haze of lucid eloquence following everyone around. I could easily see the future senators and governors of our state coming from this crop of young talent. They even had the hand gestures down solid.

The other thing that really struck me about this group was how little ‘shit’ they talked about the Democrats and John Kerry. I’m so used to leftist events where people are cracking George Bush jokes every seven seconds and talking only about the sad direction of the Bush Administration’s policies. But these Young Republicans, were happy enough to just talk about the wonders of their candidate and the virtues of the Republican platform. I didn’t hear a John Kerry joke the entire evening. I’m kinda bummed about that actually.

I think it’s doom for the Democrats this year if the national debate becomes “we love Bush” versus “we hate Bush”. But I don’t know. Even if the Democrats actually liked John Kerry enough to talk about his virtues, it still might be doom for the Democrats. After witnessing the Republican machine yesterday, it’s going to be one hell of an uphill battle.