I’m Not Drunk – I’m LCing
Watching the Timberwolves get quashed and maimed last night by Kobe and his crew of pillagers and giants was more then I could stand. Surely we can do better than that?! I threw a gallon of vitriolic laced polemic tone poems at the cathode squawk box and still my voice couldn’t raise the high-step in our defense nor add glue to our offensive hands.

As things began to unravel for our home team, a perfect storm of rage and ridiculousness began settling in around me. I could feel a violent tide rising in the bar. The crimson stools were beginning to feel waxy. The beer tasted skunky and faded. The air was aromatic with the unpleasant smell of hard grease, and kitchen fires. All this. . .and then I saw an advertisement pop up on the screen for Skyy Sport Low-Carb Malt Beverage. I went off. Like off off. That was too much. A nutritious malt-beverage? Please. Maybe it’s just me but this kind of bold-face shameless race to the bottom of health and hedonism is disgraceful. You can’t have it both ways America. What’s next? Low-carb Cigarettes? And just what makes Skyy Sport Low-Carb Malt Beverage so damn sporty? Should you be substituting this wonderful elixir for Gatorade the next time you play a vigorous round or badminton? “My that’s a sporty beer you’re drinking there Tom.” “Thanks, Bob, it’s low-carb too.”

The good folks at Skyy must be listening to that old Dead Milkmen song, “You’ll Dance to Anything” and replacing ‘Buy’ for ‘Dance to’ every other stanza. I actually did a little research on this Skyy Sport Low Carb foolishness and found that each bottle contains 15 grams of carbs. Roughly, that’s the equivalent of a whole six-pack of Michelob Ultra. So there you go. Don’t ever let them say that ol’ Afrojet ain’t looking out for your health and well being. We all have a job to do. Go wolves.