The Impending War Between Serif and Sans Serif Typefaces
Things are getting ripe on the battlefield. Already the brand and style guides have been sent out and it’s shaping up to be a battle not just of morals and American values but also of line and shape and everything solid that Westerners fight for in the trenches. In subtle ways, but with alarming consequences, graphic designers are already waging their wars and fighting their own battles. From the tag lines and bold graphics on CNN and FOX (Target Iraq! – Showdown with Saddam!), to the propaganda being pumped out of Washington, it’s looking like the battle is not over land, oil, or democratic freedoms and the right to watch Joe Millionaire in peace, but rather it’s a battle over style and the correct typeface. It’s a dual to determine which typefaces are right and which ones are dead wrong.

The lines have been drawn in the dirt and the typefaces have been assigned. The USA, America, and all its heavy action words, will be set in the most noble and boldface sans serif letterforms. Iraq, Saddam, Hans Blix, and other Axis of Evil, will all be set in the most whimsical and lame serif typefaces. Whenever possible, arabic looking script type or ancient calligraphy will be used to indicate the pre-modern conditions that those rogue elements display. This is a fight after all for modernity. It’s a fight for all things straight and narrow and for pure western thought that is unhindered by bottom protrusions and old style ideas. The letterforms of a faith based democratic new world must be just and prudent in the expenditure of line and the execution of form. Abandon unsightly decoration which is the achilles heal of the simple minded and the bloodthirsty. Get friendly with Helvetica and Arial. Denounce and cast down your work mates and loved ones whenever they send you baby shower invitations set in Times, Century Schoolbook, or (shudder) Garamond. Enforce these standards with high powered weapons. Keep a small scottish dirk by the office printer, and root out terrorism at its core. You have your orders. Carry on soldier.