The Case of the Canine Crunch
Christmas got a special early start last night when the missus and I went over to her mothers for a pre-Christmas dinner and gift exchange. As always, I was greeted by their micro dog Miles (named after some Jazz guy or something), who loves me very much and shows his affection frequently with quick little jumps up to my thighs. This gives way, only after repeated attempts to reach my stomach, to a very human like conversation where he sings a very lyrical doggy song on my behalf. It’s sort of a half wining, half who is strangling Mariah Carry chart topping type vocalization. But hey, it’s all for me. And what if all my friends were as enthusiastic to see me as Miles? I mean, I went to a few Christmas parties this weekend and I didn’t hear any, “Oh, look everyone. John is here. Let us all gather round and sing him a song of grand merriment and cheer”. It just didn’t happen. Humans can be so boring sometimes.

Gifts were exchanged and we came away with a food processor/blender combination, which strikes me as one of those items much like air and aspirin that one wonders how life was lived before it came to be. Perhaps, today and every day subsequent will now be referenced as A.F.P (After Food Processor) and the dark days will be B.F.P. Oh they were cruel days when we had to crush ice with our hands. Can you imagine?

We also received chocolate gold coins and candy canes that we put aside to consume later. Unfortunately, I decided that I would eat one of the candy canes before dinner and in doing so I would taunt and tease Miles with the candy cane. He likes ’em and he likes gold coin chocolates. But I was getting the better of him in a little game called follow the candy cane, which involved me standing in the middle of the living room and pointing myself randomly with cane towards one of the cardinal points and then waiting gleefully for Miles to run around and sit staring up at me and my cane intently as I crunched off bite after bite. And so it went – me being clever and having fun at the dogs expense. After dinner we all got caught up in a marathon game of Cranium, which we almost lost cause I didn’t know how to hum the tune to Joe Jackson’s “Is She Really Going Out With Him”. I just drew a blank. But we got the lead back when Kelly portrayed a spot on impersonation of his holiness – Evel Knievel. But during the closing minutes of the game Miles game bouncing into the kitchen wearing what I can only describe as a sticky candy cane beard. I swear he looked at me and winked, as if to say, “Fuck you buddy, don’t EVER mess with me again.” Sure enough he had gotten into and devoured all of our holiday treats the left the living room a mess. Gold foil was crumpled and littered everywhere in tiny speckles. Candy cane residue was ground deep into the carpet where the little canine capper had enjoyed more dessert than the rest of the family had put down. And thus it was that I knew that the holidays had now really moved into full swing. Party on Miles.