I have a swanky wedding coming up in New York in a couple of weeks and I have nothing to wear. Hee. No really. It’s true. The gig is a black tie optional affair and sadly my closets lack the essential “Big Boy” clothes required by the codes that rule over occasions like these. My Plushy Puma track suit wont cut the cheddar and my elbow padded professorial corduroy digs don’t make the grade neither. So it was that I set out today to right my fashion wrongs and add to my coffers the cool cut of a new suit. One that would make me the classiest of cats and the coolest of county men.

In a trek that spanned three vast corners of our ever expanding sprawl of a metropolis, I combed countless racks and enlisted the fancy help of the gentlemen crowd, to spin me a suit, cut form the finest silks in all the land. But the tailors were not please, “your body is misshapen and your proportions are not normal”, or “we don’t carry your size” or simply “you might want to try one of our other stores”.

And so I did! But alas, the victory was not in the cards today. Nothing synched. A three button jacket fit just right but the pants were all wrong. The pants made my butt look like a firm peach, ready to be picked from the tree, but the jacket made me out to be an evil David Byrne impostor — or worse…a David Spade impostor. Oh no you did-ent…Oh yes I did!

It was all an exhausting process that made me want to cry into the lapels of the nearest Prada parka. Angry conclusions were thrown about that basically, the worst fashion atrocity ever pushed on the gentleman crowd has to be the invention and proliferation of the pleated pant. What an abomination. What an ill-fitted construction on the holy proportions once laid out so clearly for all designers by the late great da Vinci. Who looks good in pleated pants? No one. They’re awful. They make as if one has apples and large foreign currency floating around in ones pockets. Make them go away.

So my search continues. 44 long, three button jacket with pants that have no pleats. I will settle for nothing less. Stay close to this story as it develops…