Waiting for the Up’s Man
I’m sitting around eating from a large bowl of red grapes, wondering when the UPS guy will come by. His note, left on my mailbox yesterday said he’d be here before 10:30 this morning. I figured I’d just wait around for him. I’ve already missed him twice and if I don’t see him today then he’ll return my package to sender and that would be a huge disappointment.

Yesterday, during another torrential May monsoon storm, I went over to this great store called the Paper Depot. It’s located right next to the Minneapolis farmers market. The Paper Depot is my new playground. I went a little crazy buying jet airplane punch cutters, and paper with rubber ducks printed on ’em. Shit, I bought a lot of crap with not one real project in mind. It’s just good to have stuff like that around. There are people who work at the Paper Depot who will help you find the right paper, invitation, do-dad, and rubber stamp, for any occasion. I watched as an engaged couple, picking out stationary for their wedding, made a bee-line for the most brutal-creamed-out-god-awful-excuse-for-patina-paper the store offered. I feel sorry for their wedding guests. They should have used the rubber ducky paper.

After the Depot, I went and got my geek on at the Urban Bean with ‘sonic. He was recovering from a ‘weekender’ and putting the final touches on a redesign of his site. I got a sneak preview and it looks pretty smoking. I’ll give you a hint of what it looks like…go outside and look up. Whoa.

Whupawitz. My package has arrived. Later.

Garage Sale Days Revisited
My neighbor was at it again this weekend. Hosting what she calls her ‘annual’ garage sale. But I checked my post of the last time I wrote about this and it was on October 5th of last year. Either this years sale is early or she’s planning on sneaking a couple more sales into the summer. She’s definitely the type who could have one of those permanent on-going garage sales. I’m watching her now outside my window. She’s busy. So that’s what I call her – Busy. Her garage is filled from top to bottom with boxes and rubbermaid containers filled with the contents of so much jim crack and nick-nack. She’s got a huge Ryder-type moving truck that she owns filled with product that sits on 35th avenue, taking up precious on-street parking. It wouldn’t be so bad but all the windows of the apartment face the back of her property which means I’ve got a full view of the sale snoopers and wobegon buyers and they’ve got full view of me. If there weren’t screen’s on my windows I could literally reach out and grab at shoppers and shake them. “Sir, put down that used Carl Sagan book, you’re never going to read it.”

This time I actually went over to the sale. I bought an automatic numbering machine for $3.50. It’s one of those stamping machines that all customs and visa officials still use in all latin american companies. It delivers that great satisfaction when you slam home a solid stamping. ‘Cha-chank’. I’m numbering all my documents now.

Matrix Reloaded
What was good about the new Matrix sequel:

1. Cornel West playing Zion Elder Counselor West. Let’s hope his role is expanded even further in the next one.

2. Monica Bellucci. Good god! I vote her and Cornel West hook up in the final film.

3. Fighting. Kicking. Punching. Flying. Shooting. Twirling.

4. Lot’s and lot’s of Mr. Smiths. If you got a good thing baby, just make more of ’em.

5. Getting out of the movie just in time to watch the full lunar eclipse from the top of the Mall of America parking garage.

How Everything on eBay is Connected to Everything Else
After reading bits and pieces of Albert-Laszlo Barabasi’s Linked: How Everything is Connected to Everything Else and What it Means, I decided to see how far I could stretch the hard boiled logic of his ‘complexity theory’ in the big bad land of eBay. I started with the hypothesis that if I search for my last name on eBay, I’ll find things that are strangely unique and connected to my name and general outlook towards the world. What I found was astounding. Almost scary.

Actually what I found was a bunch of Skelton authors, most of whom I had never ‘connected’ with before.

First up was my name sake, John Skelton – Selected Poems. Sadly, as of this posting the starting bid on this masterful work is a paltry $3.99 and no one has bid on it yet. That’s criminal considering it’s one of my best works to date.

Next up we got some Russell R. Skelton with his heavy Route Surveys (First Edition). Not really sure what that’s all about but it’s cool to see your name in gold on a black binding.

Then it’s on to James Skelton with Niagara Days. This one is a total mystery and I may just have to bid on it one as I also feel a special connection to the minimalist light blue cover and the simple layout of the title type. Smooth.

Elizabeth Skelton, weighs in with her epic treatise on horses in Ringcraft. I’m digging the cover on that one too.

And then we come to my favorite. Skeeter Skelton. I feel a special kinship with this man’s prose deeper than I can fully express. I’ll let you peep his prose as these eBay auctions wont be up forever. From the incredibly titled, Good Friends, Guns, Whiskey:

“If I had known early on what a fascinating path handguns were going to lead me along and the intriguing experiences and people I would encounter, I might have hurried. But I’m not prone to hurry…and I’ve been able to savor every shot I’ve fired and every friendship I’ve made….”

More deft poetry from Skeeter, this time from a dusty tomb entitled, Hotlegs, Hipshots and Jalapeños:

“These men know guns, and how and when to use them, and (they) are a great comfort when you kick in a door and go in for the bad guys.”

So True. So True. Skeeter, you are a wizard with words.

Lastly we got C.L. Skelton with what looks like a romance novel called Hardacre’s Luck. Happy bidding folks.

Paranoia Strikes
I had my first SARS scare yesterday. I was browsing magazines at the Borders up on Hennepin, which is attempting to unionize. I sat down with a couple titles on a little reading bench they have there next to another fellow browser. This guy immediately starts coughing these terrible little hacks that sounded like overblown throat clearers. And they just kept coming. Every 15 seconds another little burst of coughing. I lasted about a minute and a half. I quickly got my paranoia on and diagnosed this plague spreader with a full blown case of SARS. I threw my stack of ‘zines to the floor and bolted from the bench. Super-skedaddling out the door of Borders, I ran down to the public bathroom for a timely pathogen bath.

birthday_03

Living the Dream
It’s my birthday today! 30! Three decades thick. Time to do a check in, eh? Let’s see here…

Hair? Check. We’re good. Mostly still all there.

Liver? Check. Still processing.

Excellent. Let’s carry on then. The Melvins decided to come back into town and help me celebrate my birthday last night at the Quest. Thanks guys. How about we make a regular event of that? Same time next year, eh? I can think of little else that could be so inspiring on my 30th birthday than watching guys at least ten years my senior rock out so hard.

For my birthday I received a beautiful black lacquered Underwood Standard Typewriter No. 5. It’s an antique beast and weights somewhere close to fifty pounds. It’s all chromed out. It’s fantastic. I also got a bottle of Ouzo. So, yeah, I’m pretty much set for the next ten years. Now if only the Wild can start winning again…

Cancer Sticks and Hockey Sticks
The best part of last nights game was watching a whole stadium of home town Vancouver fans go home sad. Beaten in their own backyard. See ya Bertuzzi. So long Jarkko Ruutu. Hazah! I feel it hard to write about anything else this morning as I am still high and tired from watching last nights glorious victory. And now it’s on to Anaheim, where Minnesota has some unfinished business after the Twins’ playoff dreams were mercilessly broken by the Angles last year. It’s time to make those Left Coast suckers pay.

Just so this doesn’t become a myopic Hockey Blog (1, 2, 3) over the next couple of days, I will try and keep things balanced with some other blathering and goodness.

I find this hip hop blog written and maintained by Jay Smooth really freaking interesting. He seems to have the line and all the odd legal handlings, beef, drama, and audio gymnastics coming out of the scene today. He’s also got some good radio shows worth their weight in vinyl.

August, is a beautiful type face designed by Gareth Hague. It’s described as a “mix of references: softness and femininity attenuated by sharpness and angularity.” I really dig the “J” letter form and the “S”, which just happen to be my first and last initials.

Miss Miller has made the recommendation that “The Day My Butt Went Psycho” be added to my reading list immediately.

Make your own safety signs. Then print them out as PDF’s. Wow!

Chel (a.k.a Grey Duck), spurned on by a posting of mine (see below) about a duel I had with a massive rabbit, got to thinking, did some research, and came in with some hard Flemmish facts. Read about it here.

Atari is coming back.

The new issue of Modern Drunkard has arrived and as the Washington Post reports the final Clash of the Tightest: History’s Greatest Drunks Square Off, will be…”with comedian/drunk Jackie Gleason facing poet/drunk Charles Bukowski in a championship drinking bout with play-by-play narration by sportscaster/drunk Howard Cosell and actor/drunk Sir Laurence Olivier .” It’s sure to be an epic match. Read the semi finals here.

Go Wild!!
Honestly, in the world of dedicated sports viewing, it’s all about positioning. Getting the right seat at Liquor Lyle’s so that you can watch the Twins wax the Devil Rays, while at the same time catching the bruising that the Wild are handing down to the Canucks, is a strategic decision that must be carried out without giving thought to friendship, diplomacy, or natural human laws of kindness. It’s a sport in itself. You must be forthright in calling out which games you need on which televisions and you have to be confident in your shouting to move idle humans from your needed visual panorama. It’s also important to roll deep and order ’em up two at a time.

But damn, what a game! The second period of last nights Vancouver Beat Down was probably the most commanding hockey I have ever seen played. Serious Shock and Awe. Take the midnight flight out of Minneapolis and do it again tonight.

Believe it. The high speed power assault carried out by The Boys of Minnesota, is unquestionable. But what really gets me is the way these kids and their coach carry themselves after victory – after declaring “mission accomplished” for the night. It’s a perfect study in humility, grace and maturity. It makes me think of our foolish and feather brained president and his pension for grandstanding, showboating, swooping onto aircraft carriers wearing sheep’s clothing, and just looking really really stupid. Please, dude. Act with some dignity. Watch the Wild tonight and, win or lose, take some notes on character and integrity. I’ll be taking up my position.

Jau du iu Sei?
Rafael Varela, Editor of a local magazine aimed at the Twin Cities growing latin community called El Pregunton, always does a language section with the goal of teaching spanish speakers a few expressions of english. I enjoy reading this section very much, mostly because of his phonetic breakdown of english expressions. Here are a few from the May issue.

The plane is about to take off.
De plein is abaut tu teik of.

Can you take out the garbage.
Can iu teik aut de garbesh

Take your time, don’t rush
Teik ioar taim, don’t rash

A very serious accident took place here
Ei very sirius axident tuk pleis dear

They took me for Mexican, but I’m Peruvian
Dey tuk mi for Mexican, bat aim Peruvian

She is not here, she took the day off
Shi is not jier, shi tuk de dei off

We take turns during the night
Gui teik terns diuirn de nait