Medieval Grill Work
I have no special love for the dentist but I don’t have any aversion to the dentist either. It’s just that, well, i’ve had other things on my mind for a while. And by ‘a while’ I mean THE LAST FIVE YEARS!

For good or ill, I subscribe to the ‘If It Ain’t Broke Don’t Fix It’ philosophy of medical treatments. Prevention, is a word entirely foreign to me. I mean I brush, I floss, and I keep a steady supply of The Doctor’s BrushPicks near the computer for epic OCD inspired picking sessions. Is that not enough to win the battle against plaque and tarter?

Apparently not.

Yesterday, I finally got ’round to visiting the dentist. Hilarity ensued. First they gave me some forms to fill out.

Reason for visit: Dirty Teeth

Do you smoke: Yup

Coffee: That too

Alcohol: As much as I can get my hands on

Previous Dental History/Records: Sorry, they got lost in The Great Midwest fire of ’99

For some reason, I thought they would appreciate my brutal honesty when I handed in the forms. But after reviewing my answers the receptionist girl just gave me a look of horror and told me to find a seat while she located her camera to take my Polaroid.

Finally got led back into the chair with the Dental Hygienist lady. Eighteen uncomfortable x-rays later we started in on the cleaning process. At this point, I was almost sure she was going to take one look at my mouth, lurch back and whisper ‘sweet jesus’. So I was shocked when she kept saying things like: ‘things look good’, ‘little problem here, but nothing serious’, etc, etc. Then she started in on the cleaning and tarter removing with what sounded like a pencil-sized belt sander. It soon became apparent to her that some of this stuff had been on there awhile and wasn’t budging. She voiced her disappointment while looking a little puzzled and then redoubled her efforts. Slowly things began to loosen up. I guess a normal cleaning is supposed to take about an hour and as we approached that mark it was clear this was going to go to extra innings.

At around the one-hour mark, things took a turn for the worse and quickly degenerated into a Larry David type moment. She mentioned that what she was doing was usually very painful. I said I didn’t mind. It wasn’t a problem. Somehow she got the impression that I was actually enjoying this pain. Like, in a ‘you-sick-fuck’ kinda way. Then, she mentioned something about usually people need anesthesia for the kind of digging she was doing. Unfortunately, I didn’t really hear her say this, as I was preoccupied with feeling the back of my bottom teeth with my tongue and noticing the tactile difference. To this I exclaimed, “That’s Insane”. Which she then misunderstood as me saying that anybody who takes anesthesia for pain is crazy. Oh boy! That did it. Now I was an official pervert with an insatiable fetish for pain. Dental Hygenist pissed and uncomfortable. Me with a mouthful of tools making it very hard to clear my name. Fun-town. Then things really hit the fan. She, digging and scraping away says, “Um, do you smoke?”. To which I say, “Ah…Yes”.

Mistake. Game over. It was like I told her I eat babies for breakfast. Horror. Lecture. Contempt. Lecture. Anger. More Lecture. The next half-hour passed in a very uncomfortable angry silence. At the two-hour mark she threw up her hands in exhausted resignation and said I would have to schedule another appointment to finish the cleaning. She also made it very clear that she would not be the one performing that cleaning.

Then the doctor showed up to look over the x-rays. I was expecting the worst. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. But, it turns out that my teeth are pretty healthy. I’ve got a couple minor spots that need filling but other than that no damage done. Yet I can’t get over the feeling that I traumatized the poor dental hygienist almost to the point of tears. My name is mud in that office for sure. Is there any hope that I might right my wrongs? Was she overreacting? Surely I’m not the first smoker to sit down in a dentist chair. It’s enough to make a man wait another five years before going back. Alas, I want to get this cleaning over with and whatever cavities I have filled up. After that, we’ll just have to see.