Toys R’ Melancholic
What the hell happened to Toys R’ Us? What was once the flagship, the mecca of my childhood toy browsing has become some kind of enfeebled flop house of gummed up mockery. Seriously, I’ve been to third-world toy stores that were far more uplifting and chipper than the gloomy, forgotten shelves of yesterdays warehouse play-land. The misses says that everyone buys their toys at Target and Wallmart now. Nobody really shops at big-box toy exclusive retail shops anymore. I’m sure she’s right, and it makes total sense. So for the love of god, somebody please put ol’ Toys R’ Us out of its misery.

We went there last night to procure our gift for the weekend road trip, purely on my insistence mind you. I didn’t want to slum it in the toy section of Target when I could go to the castle of toys. About two minutes after walking into the store, I was struck by the fact that there were no kids anywhere. None. The demographic sampling of a Toys R’ Us on a Thursday evening is white, male, 27-35 years olds. Although I am the bright yellow bulls-eye of that demo, I found it to be entirely creepy. Walking into the Hot Wheels section of a Toys R’ Us is like walking into a porno shop. There are lots of guys holding products in there hands while silently looking shifty eyed at one another. No wonder there are no kids here. The place is black and threatening.

But there were still toys there and after I got past the fact that I shall never come here again, I started in on the toys. The most distressing toy I found was the Barbie Cash Register, which has buttons that when pressed say things like “Cash or Credit?..Credit…OK…please swipe your card”. Also of interest were a new line of Hot Wheels cars that were branded with the ghetto vernacular “Whips”. I actually bought one of these. You can get cars that are West Coast Customs cars (as seen on MTV’s Pimp My Ride). Finally, and on a fitting note, I found the dj scribble Dzak scratchaholic toy (pictured above) in the green tag clearance bin. It’s made by DSI toys who had to file for Chapter 7. I was able to pick him up (his name is Dzak) for 75 cents! Dzak plays a whole batch of beats and depending on which way you twist his head he’ll makes scratching noises, he beat-boxs, and says things like “Floss it” and “Make it Hot”.