November 29, 2005

Black Friday
Are you digging this hip new modern holiday tradition called 'Black Friday' as much as I am? A quick scan of Wikipedia shows that the term Black Friday in other distant lands marks either; 'a riot in Glasgow stemming from industrial unrest', 'the day on which British Dockers and railwaymen's union leaders announced their decision not to call for strike action against wage reductions', and/or 'a crackdown on a peaceful protest in the capital city of Maldives, Male'. But here in the good old US of A, Black Friday marks the day after Thanksgiving, whereby, a population of thousands if not millions of folks, bellies still full from gluttony, wake up at the crack of dawn for the opportunity to beat, shove and stomp one another for the chance to buy a $300 lap-top from the electronics department at Wall Mart. And then there's folks like me who sit and wait in anticipation for the evening news, waiting for the chance to see a 30ish year old man beat a squat elderly women over the head with a Jade 'Rock Angelz' Bratz doll. Good Lord! My only criticism is that this happens only once a year. Come on. There's like seven days in a week people. Step up to the plate.

Apparently here in Portland, Best Buy, not to be outdone by Wall Mart, decided to juice up the waiting crowds and provoke their shoppers before they even entered the store. Customers waiting to get their hands on an Xbox 360 were handed a flyer stating that they needed to pay at least one hundred dollars more for their beloved machine that was advertised at $399 in the paper. The Oregon Attorney Generals Office has 'opened a file' on the case.

Then there's Target Stores, who I'm sure have shady business practices akin to both Wall Mart and Best Buy. But when they have Winegard Op Art Wreaths for sale, it's almost enough to make me turn a blind eye.

Also recklessly consuming for the holidays: the rubber type greeting cards available at vieLetter and these type shelving units from Set 26.

November 28, 2005

The New Responsibility 2.0
The misses starts her new job today. I guess in the overall big picture this is good news - but really, it's pretty damn selfish of her don't you think? Who is going to keep me company all day? Who is going to make my tuna fish sandwich lunch? Man, I have to do everything now. It's so unfair. She's even demanding that I have dinner on the table when she gets home and that's troublesome because the cats are all paws in the kitchen.

With the starting of the new job, the Skelton family puts the last check mark on the 2005 to do list. To recap: got married, went on honeymoon, held wedding party, found and bought new house, packed up, moved to Portland, renovated bathroom (late edition to the list), bought new car, found new job for the misses. Damn. It's nothing but cheesecake on the couch from now till the end of the year. I fear 2006 is going to seem boring in comparison.

Bonus: just in time for the holiday season ShopComposition relaunches with tons of modern goodies.

Superbonus: Like the failed petition to persuade Adidas to make the Team Zissou sneaker, sneaker activists are now trying to petition Nike to make the Marty McFly 'Back to the Future II' sneaker.

November 25, 2005

Tofurky & Taxes
Hope everyone had a darn good feast yesterday. The Skelton household kept their glasses as full as their bellies. There was eggplant and Dewers, broccoli and champagne, potatoes and dark ales. The gastronomic interbreed satiated every department. Time not feasting was spent playing Johnny Cash songs on the banjo, watching football, playing scrabble and enjoying the company of adults, children, and the beasts that love them.

The day after it's all about coffee and taxes. Bring on the spreadsheets...and more coffee.

November 23, 2005

Street of Eames
Mark your calendars - a home tour like no other is coming in April of next year, "Street of Eames is a new annual city-wide cultural event to celebrate the mid-century and contemporary homes that began appearing in our city in the 1930's...Street of Eames Modern Home Tour is a benefit for Project Return and the Chapman Educational Foundation. All proceeds will go to these two non-profit organizations".


If you attend the event, it might be a good occasion to wear your 'Just Say No To Faux' t-shirt. Although you'll probably be preaching to the converted.

November 21, 2005

Lessons Learned
Lesson one:
When you're at the video rental store and the misses instructs you to pick up some microwavable popcorn, do not indiscriminately grab any old bag of microwavable popcorn, because you might just grab a bag of Kettle Corn instead of normal popcorn. This is your first mistake. Then when you get home, nuke the sucker, throw it in a bowl and stuff a few kernels in your mouth, YOU WILL GAG! Second mistake. Basically it all boils down to this: microwavable Kettle Corn sucks ass. It tastes like cat hair dipped in honey. It's a cruel popcorn impostor. And, if you've gone so far as to work yourself up into a heavy anticipation, in the hopes that you'll be settling down with some really nice buttery (and salty) popcorn, then you will be crushed when that first overly sweet and sugary kernel of Kettle Corn impacts on your taste buds. If you're like me, the disappointment might be so great that you might just cry a little bit.

Lesson two:
Jim Jarmusch is a film genius. His entire catalog should be celebrated often and completely. John Lurie is also pretty damn rad.

Lesson three:
If you have an exposed brick fireplace and you really want those bricks to look their best, spray all the bricks down with a coating of Pam, or some such cooking oil. Then dab excess oil off bricks with a hand towel. Your fireplace will look succulent. Note: Do not have a fire going while performing this beautification trick.

November 18, 2005

It's Friday, Boss.
It's been a fine stretch of beautiful warm and sunny days here in the Pacific Northwest. Lots of world class tennis has been played. The yard work has been crushed and there's even been some hiking on the sun drenched trails of SW parks.

Our chimney's got violated and swept out this week and now I'm on a rogue hunt for a cord of wood. I hope to better my last pile. The chimney sweep guy had this gnome-like apprentice kid working for him and when the kid would address the chimney sweep master he would always end every sentence with the word 'Boss'; "Towels are in place, Boss", "I'm just finishing up here, Boss". Now, I'm glad I don't have a job where I have to go house to house cleaning the popcorn creosote out of household smoke stacks (I don't think I'd like to have permanent soot soaked skin from finger tip to elbow either), but I would very much enjoy a work environment where my minions, in a tribute to my complete mastery of craft, expressed their gratitude and respect by peppering their communications with me with the term Boss. Does that seem so hard?

Also, hotly anticipating the arrival of Sarah Silverman's Jesus is Magic to a theater in Portland.

November 16, 2005

Relish the Jef
Joe Futschik aka Jef Designs makes some very cool and simple wall graphics from wood. You can find his stuff here in Portland at the store Relish. Relish is run by a Trisha Guido. She's very nice, informative and always ready to make a deal. She's got a big sweet old dog that roams the store too. I'm saving up for some of the Cocoa bedding.

November 14, 2005

Fail to Obey
A little run in with Portland's finest this weekend. At exactly 00.00 hundred hours the flashy new Skelton Mobile was pulled over on NW Burnside for failing to obey a Traffic Control Device. Apparently, the officer who stopped us is color blind and doesn't know his yellows from his reds. Everyone in the car agreed that the Traffic Control Device in question was in fact a night time shade of amber and not the halting shade of red he claimed it to be. Of course the officer was a total prick and completely condescending. I believe the officer was a bit irritated that; a) my driving record is a glowing example of a right and proper citizen, b) I was in fact wearing all my clothing, c) the misses did not have a crack pipe hiding on her person, d) the car was not stolen and, e) I was dead sober. He must have felt a bit foolish calling for those three back up cars. Still, I'm glad he issued just a warning for I didn't want to contemplate having to spend hours building detailed info graphic posters and color wheel charts for my championship court appearance. He really lucked out on that front.

Besides the misses, my cousin Dave was also in the car. We had just wrapped up a nice evening of jazz at Jimmy Mak's. After the incident cousin Dave asked, "When was the last time you got pulled over by the police?" I thought about it for a minute and then remembered that the last time I got pulled over it was for speeding and I was driving from New Ulm to the Twin Cities AND COUSIN DAVE WAS IN THE CAR! Hmmm...coincidence? I don't think so. Attention family: avoid getting behind the wheel when Cousin Dave is present. He is a cop magnet. Give him a bus token or make him walk.

Bonus: Bob Sawley, (an old bastard).

November 10, 2005

The Madcap Adventures of Danny Ho
A few weeks ago a gentleman named Danny Ho (name changed to protect the innocent) showed up at my door. Although quite young in years, Danny Ho is a throwback to a time when June Cleaver housewives bought vacuum cleaners from guys like Willie Lowman. Danny Ho is a door-to-door salesman. And although his selling approach is very old school, his tactics and products are very much 2005. Danny works for Edward Johnson (name changed) and he wants to be your next Financial Service Advisor.

I first saw Danny Ho when he showed up at my door on a Saturday afternoon. The weather was abysmal. It was cold and windy and the rain was coming off the top of the hill in horizontal sheets. No one had any business being outside that day. But there was Danny Ho, dressed like an Oscar nominee in a slick black suit and sporting a youthful but conservative tie. He hadn't bothered wearing a rain coat and seemed puzzled by the idea of an umbrella. Even though I didn't invite him in out of the rain, our conversation was pleasant and cordial. A new Edward Johnson had opened up in nearby Multnomah Village and he was just out canvassing the neighborhood, "getting to know the community". It was a very 'soft sell' - just a conversation really. In the end he gave me his business card and trudged off into the gale force winds. His neck tie was wrapped around his neck, waving back at me as he went to call on my neighbor.

Now I don't know how smart it is to invest money with a guy that doesn't bother with a rain coat on heavy weather days. I'm sure it was some kind of conscious wardrobe pity move on his part, but if you can't protect yourself Danny, how are you going to protect my money?

I can't question his dedication tho. On no less then four occasions, I've seen Danny Ho, in that same black suit walking the beat of the Southwest hills. I give him mad props for his tireless work ethic. 'Danny Ho' has even become somewhat of a household mantra here at The Ranch. Like, "I Danny Ho'd the dishes last night" or "I just Danny Ho'd all the leaves in the back yard".

God bless you Danny Ho. Good luck on the streets today. Enjoy the sunshine.

November 08, 2005

The Cornbread Corner
Current favorites: Baking and eating corn bread, reading the beautifully designed The School of Fencing, enjoying the beauty of stark Black and White Paintings and the saturated color of Hanna Werning's Animal Flower Wallpapers. Also, enjoying the photo, Woman on Swing by William Eggleston, and (last but not least) the pheasants that have taken up home on Alfred Street.

Current not-so-favorite: the ever increasing length and general bulkiness of receipts. Why, if I buy one item from the Home Depot does the receipt need to be three and a half feet long?

November 04, 2005

Isetta Karavan
Wow. Two posts in a row about cars. While that might be a first for me, I can't help the fact that I find the BMW Isetta to be one of the silliest and coolest little cars I've ever come across. Those Germans were on to something with this vehicle. I think they need to bring this one back for 2007. The best feature of the car is that the entire front of the car opens up to let the driver and passenger in. Cary Grant illustrates this feature with tremendous class in this posh photo. You can see and read more about the Isetta at the Microcar Museum. While your at the museum don't miss this great 8mm film about the Peel Trident, another forgotten card. The Peel Trident had three wheels and a bubble top. Watch how the people get in and out of the car. Also, build your own Isetta from a cut out.

November 02, 2005

Not-So-Standard
Here, in the quite Sunset community where the Skelton Ranch is allowed to stretch out, relax, and ready itself for the rainy season, a peculiar phoneme is taking place. It seems that our newly purchased car, the 2006 VW Passat, is turning out to be way more of a celebrity than the humans that drive the darn thing. It's as if the Skelton family is living in its own meta-VW car commercial where the neighbors come out of their homes to talk to our car instead of us. It begs the question: is it possible for car owners to become jealous of their vehicle's popularity? If we were ever to move away, I fear people would say, "I remember the car who lived in that house - the people, not so much." Personally, I can't compete with the feature set of my new ride. It's got 120 of 'em and each one has a quirky and irreverent film to show it off. I can only think of like...11 features that I have and the misses would probably call half of those 'personality defects'. But 120?!? That ain't right.

Although I really do like this car a lot, i've really never been much of a 'car guy'. I'm just thankful if a car runs. I don't 'notice' cars. All my neighbors could bring home new cars tomorrow and I wouldn't have the slightest idea that the auto-landscape had changed one cylinder. Perhaps this means I'm self-absorbed. Maybe...Maybe Not. But many of my neighbors, who until last week hadn't even bothered to give a friendly wave or the customary head-nod when the eye-contact of opportunity presented itself, now fall over each other for the chance to flirt with my car. If I had a nickel for every one who's said, "So...new car?", I'd have enough to buy expensive wool socks. Really, anytime I see someone coming up the driveway to say hello I look for a fast exit or a large bush to hide behind. I do this because these people (all men), want to talk about the car. Specifically, they want me to be able to go through the entire feature list of the car and answer all these questions about engine size and gas milage that, for reasons I can't explain, my brain has deemed totally useless and straight up refuses to retain. In a pinch, I usually tell them how good the stereo sounds and invite them into the passenger seat to see how much they enjoy listening to high decibel Slayer on a 'DynaAudio 600 Watt -10 Speaker Sound System'.

November 01, 2005

Ranch Pumpkins
Our pumpkins had a serious problem with tooth decay. No doubt this was brought on by swallowing up way too many left over kit kat bars. Once again, as happens every year, I completely overestimated the numbers off boogieman bambinos that would parade across our entry. I am left still holding a kings ransom worth of nougat and jellies.

Best ad hoc pumpkin carving device pulled from the recesses of our kitchen cabinets: a crumber. The original purchase of this crumber probably goes down in the books as one of the worst and most pretentious impulse buys of my adult life. There is absolutely no good reason that anyone (with the possible exception of slick waiters in five-star restaurants) should ever own this item. However, in a sculpting pinch, it does indeed make for a useful pumpkin punch and rounding tool.